this be no occident

“Yeessss?” she called without turning from her equations and diagrams, hearing the plodding footsteps from all the way across the large house. She silently cusses her inept “tailors” who double as her bodyguards. Good thing her kingdom here is so safe thanks to her new big plan. Big Red doesn’t reply immediately so she addresses him by name the second time. Could be no one else. The famed player of the piano that always ends with the 9th. Even the purest of heart don’t usually get past 8, which is dinner for a few still. No one ate at 9. Unless they’re made of pure wood, persimmon in this case, she’s learned. A seed becomes a tree.

She turns to face him. Slow of mouth as well as body. But not mind — she knows that the hard way. Piece of metal in her head to remind her every time the phone rang at a certain pitch, ow ow ow. Cursed D Flat. And of course he composes half his stuff in that key any more. Just to rub it in.

Big Red is still scratching his head, confused about orientation. Where is the picture of the Siamese twins on the wall? Where is the *cat*? Turns out Rose Wells had turned the house around for more protection against intruders, since her, ahem, bodyguards were so inept. She’s decided to switch out directions every week — make that every even numbered week for the n-s polarity (she decides on the spot) and then every odd week for e-w. Then turn the whole house over every third Sunday’s Monday just for that extra layer of protection she always preaches about in her sermons. Scientific of course; she’s an atheist at heart, and almost pure enough to get through 7. That should do the trick, she figures. Even nestled in troubled waters as it were, this would make her place as milquetoast safe as fabled Nautilus itself if all goes to plan. Back to it — after telling Big Red what happened.

“What… did you do with my… *piano*!?” he boomed.

“Simmer down, simmer down,” she said, thrusting forth her hands after seeing lumber being gotten out. “Lemme explain.”

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