Paradox II: The Chancelling 03: Azure

From: “baker b.” <>
Date: Sun Oct 23, 2005  7:13 am
Subject: dragon

“We’re baaaaaack!”

“Where’d you go?”

“Funny baker b.”

“Who’s talking?””The hive!”

“The hive?”

“The bee hive? Don’t you remember us?”

“I don’t recall… ”


“I don’t understand.”





“Should baker and Joyce James and Dean #1 and Parrot Memmemger head up Baker’s Creek once more? Or down?”

“I’m baaaaaack!”

“Yes, we’ve established that Beehive.”

“What’s not to love.”

“Um, right.”

“Gimme a hug!”

“Okay. About the creek…”

“What do you want them to do?”

“Head up the creek again.”

“So be it!”


“Look Joyce James, we’re heading into the creek again!”

“Dean, remember this is my first time.”

Baker: “Joyce James looks like Bubbles.”

JJ: “Cocksucker creek!”

Baker: “Look, there’s Conky too.”

JJ: “Where? Where???”

Baker: “In the boat beside you. Oh wait, we’re not in the boat yet. Stupid future visions!”

JJ: “Cocksuckers!”

Baker: “No JJ, it’s in the *middle* of Baker’s Creek. That’s how it is…”

Dean#1 (shushing Baker): “Baker, c’mere. Over here.” They walk away from JJ/Bubbles. “You’re getting JJ too excited. He loves that puppet.”

Baker: “But if we tell him that Corky is in the middle of Baker’s Creek, in a bubbling swamp, perhaps, then he’ll go with us. Otherwise I think…”

“Listen Baker. You let me take care of JJ. I’m gonna take care of everything, don’t you worry.”

“Oh you don’t even have a plan at all,” baker returns. “The writers haven’t thought of one. That’s what they always make you say. I get it now. You’re Julian.”

Dean #1: “What are you talking about Ricky?”

Baker: “I’m not Ricky.”

Memmemger (perched on shoulder): “And I’m not Mr Lahey. Sqaulk!!”

Dean #1: “Listen Ric–er. Okay — baker, you called my card. You’re right. I’m not Julian and you’re not Ricky. Baker. I told you about looking at a bunch of shows from one series and then trying to write late at night. See what happens — JJ is…”

JJ suddenly falls overboard.


“Help, help, I can’t swim!”

“We’re there for you buddy. Here get up here.”

Baker and Dean pull JJ from the creek.

Baker: “Yeah, just chill out little buddy. You got all tense and stuff and lost it. You’ve got to get your balance checked out. All that inside out ear stuff. The arms and hammers in there are probably all fucked up.”

JJ: “I didn’t just fall over, you cocksucker! I saw something… in the woods over there. At that cocksucker creek’s mouth.” JJ points to baker and then laughs nervously.

Dean #1 is staring intently at the mouth’s creek. “Well, I don’t see anything now. What did it look like?”

Baker: “Wasn’t one of those Samsquatch things, was it JJ? Cause I’m still sore from where you and Julian, er, Dean, beat the fucking bejebers out of me.”

JJ: “Well I don’t know, but it was something.” He peers intently at the shore. “I mean, I’m not one to fucking hallucinate. Not like you fellows anyhow.”

Cammie (suddenly appearing at the door): “Well, was it hairy? Hi guys!”

Dean #2, switching from Dean #1 because he stared at Baker’s Creek’s Mouth: “*I’m* Harry. Or at least I was. Harry Dean, but not Stanton. And that’s the straight story.”

Cammie (sees change in Dean): “Oh, um, aher… didn’t expect to see you back among us Dean #2. ”

Dean #2: “Am I? Oh yeah, suppose I am now.”

Baker: “It was the creek. You stared at the mouth of the creek. After you stared at my mouth.”

Dean #2: “That so? But that turns Cammie and also, especially, Pierre into a chancellor. I think I’ve always been either Dean # 1 or Dean #2. I’ve never transformed from one into the other, so far.”

Baker: “Welcome to the b_hive Dean-o. Out with the old and in with the new.”

Memmemger: “Sqaulk!!!”


Dean #2: “You wrote that to Memmemger human on the b+hive recently. What did you *mean* by that?”

Voice: “What did you mean by *that*?”

Voice: “What did *you* mean by that?”

Baker: “What the…”

Dean #2: “Oh, don’t give us your ‘what the’s’ anymore. You know exactly what is going on here. It’s your creek, your b_hive. Don’t understand the hive… hummmph.”

“But I don’t!”

“Then what are we doing here?”

“We’re looking for a monster!”

JJ laughs nervously again. “Maybe that’s what I just fucking saw, baker b. I’d say there’s a pretty good bet on it if you asked me… which you didn’t.”

Baker: “So let me get this straight. We’re on the houseboat still tethered to Baker’s Creek mouth. New arrival JJ is with us, who’s acting and looking a whole lot like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. And we’re pretending like we’re searching for his hand puppet Corky…”

JJ: “*Conky*!” (under breath): “cocksucker.”

Baker: “In the middle of Baker’s Creek that, at one time, appeared as a swamp, or perhaps a quicksand

JJ: “I want my fucking hand puppet. And not the one with the piece of wood with a little hat stuck on it. A real one, that looks just like me. The one with the glasses and eyes like mine.”

Dean #2: “You want a mini-you in effect.”

JJ: “Darn toot’n. I want my Conky.”

Baker: “But why do we want to find it?”

JJ: “Well, you just found out where it was and then you told me about it and now I want to fucking find it.” Nervous laughter again.

Baker: “Could that samsquatch or whatever you just saw be another version of conky?”

JJ: “Well, I don’t think so. Are you another version of this finger I’m holding up in front of your face now?”

Baker: “I suppose not.”

Dean #2: “Listen, listen. Guuuys. It’s all over.”


Baker (looking down at the dragon in the middle of Baker’s Creek): “I fucking hate him Dean-o.”

Dean #2: “That’s not Conky.”

JJ: “You’re fucking right that’s not Conky. Thats *Corky*!”

Baker: “Corky?!”

Cammie: “Really?”

Dean #2: “Listen, Cammie. You don’t want to even go there.”

JJ (continuing; ignoring Dean #2): “Corky was my fucking best friend in the world for a while. Till he went out of this world, that is. He’s an alien dragon, that’s what he is.”

Baker: “I thought Dean #2 was the dragon.”

Dean #2: “Well I’m not now. Okay? Just listen to what JJ is telling you. Now that it’s started again. This is important. Concentrate baker and let JJ tell you about Corky.”

JJ: “All I had before Corky was my kitties. You don’t know what it’s like, Baker, to have your parents just run out on ya. Just get up and fucking leave on you to fend for yourself.”

Dean #2 nods solemnly.

“Then one day, right about the same time as the prop people made Conky for me and then recklessly allowed him to be thrown in the swamp by a person-who-will-not-be-named before I even fucking laid eyes on him…”

Dean # 2 nods solemnly again.

“…along comes Corky. My best friend in this world as I said, for a while. Along with Dean # 2 here and that other fellow.”

Baker: “Ricky you mean.”

Dean #2 (shishing baker again to silence): “Hey baker, come over here. There’s something I need to tell you about Ricky now that Corky has replaced Conky for JJ.”


“He doesn’t exist?”

Dean #2: “No, in this world JJ kills that… person, and throws him in the swamp. This is an alternate world. In that world, Ricky throws Conky into the swamp, and JJ, er Bubbles. JJ, I suppose… has followed him there and shoots him with a gun.”

Baker: “But that’s kind of ironic because in the show Ricky is shot a lot and it always turns out to be a flesh wound, no matter how serious it first looks.”

Dean #2: “Well, in this reality, Ricky never gets to be shot and get all those flesh wounds, because he was shot and killed before the show even started.”

Baker: “Really?”

Dean #2: “Really. So what JJ’s trying to do now…”

Baker: “… is resurrect Ricky.”

Dean #2: “Ricky’s the monster in the middle of the swamp, Baker. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along. Ricky is Corky. The names are even similar. Ricky — Corky. That’s Ricky down there.”

Baker: “No, I’m not seeing this. [That] the dragon is Ricky.”

Dean #2: “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Don’t tell JJ, though! I’m only telling you because I thought you ought to know.”

Baker: “That’s Ricky.”

Dean #2: “That’s right.”

Baker: “How can you guys be out here in the swamp away from the trailer park. Are you hallucinating all this in jail? Smoking the pot you yourself sold to the guards?”

Dean #2: “Listen, you don’t worry about that, Baker. I’ve got it all taken care of. You’ll see.”

JJ (pointing down toward water): “Fucking cocksucker monster my big ol’ petutee. That there monster’s as tame as a kitten. Wouldn’t harm a fly. That’s *my* dragon, you see.”

Baker gives up for the night.

From: “baker b.” <>
Date: Wed Oct 26, 2005  5:16 am
Subject: Re: dragon

“We’ve been sitting here practically two hours. When is Cammie coming out again?”

“Hi guys.” She appears at the door. “I overslept again.”

“Chancelling will do that to you.”

“Who are you?”


Pierre: “I think what we have here in this swamp is a monster. Notice there’s a full moon rising. There’s no telling what will happen in the combination. I say we put our own tail between our legs and run.”

Cammie: “I must admit a little apprehension baker.”

Baker: “But the answers to the universe…”

Pierre: “They’re no good to us if we’re dead, are they? Are they?”

Baker: “Well, we can always wake up again, if it comes to that. Whimpering seemed to work the last time.”

Pierre: “Same spot too, if you recall. ‘Cept we were in the blue-violet submarine… but this is the same spot. Isn’t it baker. Isn’t this the same as the tan quicksand pit that took us, or would have taken us to the other side of the world if you hadn’t woken up then?”

Baker: “Um, yeah, I suppose.”

Voice: “Where’s Soybean Dean?”

Baker: “Did you hear that. A disembodied voice!”

Camme: “Who’s Soybean Dean?”

Baker: “I’ve heard voices several times now in the, ahem, Interview. First it was Memmemger asking me about Red Lick, then Memmemger again, but a man this time, reminding me to talk about 4orrin1. Memmemger! Where’s the parrot?”

Pierre: “It’s cowering in its room below. Once I finish swabbing the deck, I was planning to go feed it.”

Baker: “Yeah, sorry about having to put you to work Pierre. No other crew, you see. And I bee busy right now.”

Pierre: “No time for work as usual. What about the deck!”

Baker: “Oh… I see what you mean. Bleed-through.”

Cammie: “Who’s Soybean Dean?”

Pierre: “You better answer Cammie, Baker, or we’ll be stuck in one of those perpetual now moments again, like in Orrin. Are we still there?”

Cammie: “Who’s…”

Baker (interrupting): “Okay, okay, Cammie. I’ll tell you.”

Voice: “Soybean Dean?”

Baker: “Alright! I’m getting to it. Just hold your horses.”

Voice: “You said: think Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz movie.”

Baker: “Ahah! So it is Memmemger. Well, okay. First of all, answer me a few questions.”

Pierre: “Baker, the monster is beginning to stir. We’ve got to make a decision… flee or face!”

Cammie: “Who’s Soybean Dean?”

Voice (quickly echoing): “Soybean.”

Baker: “Well, I guess I am.”


Pierre: “Baker the monster is moving. Face or flee. Tail between legs or head between monster teeth!”

Cammie: “I’m glad you told me about Soybean Dean and erased the possibility of entering another perpetual now time. Now time can resume at its b_hive rate.”

Pierre: “She’s chancelling again!”

Baker: “Quick Cammie. The monster.”

Pierre: “I’m also using my chancelling talents and melding them with Cammie. Won’t take but a second.”

Baker: “Hurry!”

Pierre: “Quiet, I’m just imaging the first mouth, the mouth of Baker’s Creek.”

Pierre opens eyes slowly and then stares at Baker’s mouth.

Pierre (in trance): “Monster Moon Man.”

Cammie: “Yes.”


Pierre: “I’m glad we decided to both stay and flee at once. But now there are two Pierres and two Bakers and two Cammies. Which one am I married to???”

Cammie1: “Come with me below.”

Cammie2: “No, with me.”

Pierre: “This may turn into some kind of bigamy.”

Baker: “No, this is no good.”


Baker: “So we’re back in the one timeline framework. But we still have the monster to deal with. Man Moon Monster.”

Cammie (echoing): “Man Moon Monster.”

“The monster was definitely stirring in the middle of the swamp. Although still asleep, the full moon appeared to be raising it out of the water.”

Joyce James: “Corky! Corky, Corky, Corky!”

Baker: “So now you’re back to Bubbles Joyce James the mathematician. Quick: what’s 273 times 721?”

Joyce James: “Um, let’s see. I’d guess… about a million.”

Baker: “Thought so. JJ… take off your glasses.”

JJ: “But I can’t see Corky rising out of the water!”

Baker: “Just do it, for an experiment.”

JJ: “Well, all right. But just for a second and then I’m going to put them right back on so I can see my little Corky coming back to life.”

JJ removes the glasses, and looks at Baker and then the others.

Baker: “Who are you?”

JJ (casually): “The Monster.”


Pierre: “So now you have all your answers Baker. And we can move on to Paradox III, the Chancelling. Continues.”

Baker: “Not so fast. What happened in the middle?”

Pierre: “What do you mean?”

Baker: “In this post. The middle is missing. There’s no resolution. We don’t have any real answers.”

Pierre: “Where’s Cammie?”

Baker: “Where’s JJ?”

Voice: “Where’s here?”


Edna: “And so that was the end of the monster?”

Baker: “No not quite. We also found him again in Paradox III The Chancelling Continues. Or her.”

Edna: “What about Flat Bird Island? You said the parrot never recovered.”

Baker: “There was a force field.”

Pierre: “Flattened.”

“Flattened,” baker returned.

Cammie: “Never recovered.”

Baker: “Would you like some more mint julep anyone?! I’m glad we can celebrate the end of Paradox II and move on to III.”

Pierre: “So I guess this is like an after-play party.”

Dean #1: “So I’m wondering. The parrot never recovered.”

Pierre and baker and Cammie simultaneously: “Never recovered.”

Dean #1: “Flying into my island.”

Pierre/baker/Cammie (even more in unison): “Right.”

Dean #1: “So that means…”

Pierre/baker/Cammie (becoming one): “Right right, right, right,

Their voices gradually fade, along with the characters themselves.

Dean: “…I’m the only one left.”


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